1.) I was born in March of 1982. Nine months later, my uncle died. His death and my birth are intertwined in our familial history.
2.) My grandpa died the day after my fourteenth birthday. I think he held out as long as he could as a favor to me.
3.) Today we spent the 29th anniversary of my uncle’s death cleaning out my grandma’s apartment. Everything must go.
4.) Watching someone you love be in pain is the most unbearable thing I’ve ever experienced.
5.) It’s not that I actually want the table and dresser and chairs and bookends and makeup bag and little notebook filled with scrawled lists of books and medicines and directions. It’s just that the thought of not seeing them again is unfathomable.
6.) She is not her things, but I will hold onto them as tightly as I can anyway.
7.) “Does being supportive mean sitting on the phone with you and listening to you cry?” Yes. That’s exactly what it means.
8.) A stronger person wouldn’t have to excuse herself from dinner to sit in a bathroom stall and sob.
9.) Today my grandma Florence called, crying over the son she lost 29 years ago.
10.) Today I watched as one of her sons said goodbye to my grandma Margie for the final time.
11.) I was born in March of 1982. Of all the days in the last almost-thirty years, I think today was the hardest.
2 comments:
I feel you on this. My grandmother died on my 18th birthday, so there's some death and life and celebration and mourning all wound together for me, too.
This is unbelievably painful, and don't apologize or feel guilty for crying in the bathroom or on the phone or anywhere else for that matter. Pain and grief are not a sign of weakness. Your grandma loved and was loved deeply, and I'm sure she has been grateful for everyday since March 1982.
Thinking of you.
Hold onto her things. Sit in her chair and flip through her lists. She is not her possessions, but she does live in you. So the more you fill yourself with her, the more you carry on. There's no shame in holding on tight.
And if you need to call and cry, I will sit and listen for as long as necessary. I promise.
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