Self-Assessment

I recently pinpointed a major character flaw I possess. Mark my words, I vow to try and change it.

This is what I do. Maybe you do it too. I meet people. I form expectations. I make assumptions. I sometimes even categorize. I hang out with people. I let down my guard. I show myself for who I really am.

People live up (or down) to the expectations I’ve set for them. They confirm my assumptions. They fit into my categories. They don’t surprise me.

And then … and then … I get mad about the fact that they didn’t surprise me! I get mad that they didn’t exceed my expectations, they didn’t change my assumptions, they didn’t fall outside my categories. I get mad when people turn out to be exactly who I thought they were going to be!

How unfair is this? I thought you seemed like a liar, you turned out to be a liar, and now I’m going to get mad about it? I took you for the dismissive type, you dismissed me, and now I’m going to get mad about it? I assumed you couldn’t keep up in a conversation, you didn’t, and now I’m going to get mad about it?

I want people to surprise the heck out of me, to surpass any preconceived notions I may have formed along the way. I want people to pull a fast one on me, to totally psyche me out, to make me rethink my ways. They never do – and I end up disappointed.

I’m a good reader (of both literature and people). I’m fairly good at predicting what’s going to happen next (and before you accuse me of not predicting xyz, let me just say that deep down, I knew – I knew). Anyway, I’ve recently realized how enormous it is for me to expect people to break through all the barriers I’ve set around them. It’s a huge thing for me to hope people will turn out completely different from how I think they’re going to be.

It’s an enormous, huge, completely unfair thing. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Try people-fulfilling prophecy. I’m halfway through the first date and I already know exactly how you’re going to screw things up. And then you do, in exactly the way I imagined – and I have the audacity to get upset about it.

How dare you be exactly the person I thought you were going to be?

I want to let go of that part of myself, the one that keeps craving the surprise, in spite of things. Why do I allow myself to indulge in such fantastical ideas? Why do I set myself up for failure by ignoring my gut and instead turning to blind hope?

I don’t know how to change. I just know that for the sake of my sanity, it would behoove me to at least try. It would be of benefit to bring myself back into the land of reality, where people are who I think they are and that’s okay.

Or, I could just continue getting mad about being accurate -- and that's just silly.